Always
by Alydia Rackham
Summary: After Rey returns from Tattooine, Poe confronts her about her treatment of Finn-and Rey realizes she risks losing the most important person in her life. Rise of Skywalker tag. Rey/Finn


Always

"_Be with me always. Take any form. Drive me mad! Only do not leave me in this abyss where I cannot find you!" _

_-Emily Bronte, Wuthering Heights_

Rey walked softly beneath the trees, listening to the whisper of the wind and the distant call of the jungle birds. She glanced up into the blue sky, past the rustling leaves, and could just make out the sweeping, curved edge of the gas giant Yavin. Not far ahead of her, she could hear the low, deep hum of the old Rebellion generators, which her friends and fellow freedom fighters had apparently gotten to work during her brief stint on Tattooine. She took deep breaths of the heavy, humid air, her thoughts wandering off into the distance. She followed a footpath, her hand occasionally drifting toward the lightsaber at her belt, as her memory faintly traced the crackle of lightning, the hum of flashing blades, and the echo of final breaths.

She felt heavy. Listless. Faraway. Even when she'd come back right after the battle to find almost all her friends safe and alive, their shouts of joy had seemed muddled, and nothing had penetrated to her heart. Ever since it happened, she felt as if she were walking around in a dream.

A dream haunted by shadows. And the touch of someone who had slipped out of her arms and fallen to the stone…

She paused at the edge of the woods where a great stretch of paving waited, crowded with lines of all kinds of ships. It all lay in the shadow of a huge stone pyramid, inside of which most of the resistance fighters now rested, repaired their ships, and recuperated. And celebrated. Every night.

She sighed, and glanced up into the sky again. The edges had begun to turn pink. The sun would set soon. She couldn't avoid it anymore—she needed to get inside.

With slow steps, she strode out onto the paving, beneath the wings of the fighters, and past the open ramp of the _Millennium Falcon. _Male voices, clanking, and

Wookie growls issued from within, as well as the sharp whistles of an artoo unit. Rey almost smiled, and she hesitated.

In the old days, she would have trotted up the ramp and asked how she could help.

Now…

Now, the loss of Leia stung across her skin like a burn, prickling it and sending her flinching back.

Movement.

She blinked, clearing her eyes of the tears that had somehow clouded her vision.

"Hey."

It was Finn. Leaning around the doorframe and bending to look at her. His eyebrows drew together.

"Hullo," she managed.

"Why don't you come on up?" he called. "There's a problem with the wiring in the cockpit and Poe is making it worse—"

"I am _not _making it worse—" came the barked retort—

Answered by Chewie's indignant howl.

Finn came down the ramp a few steps, his brilliant, dark eyes searching hers. She didn't move.

"You okay?" he asked quietly. And he stopped, studying her.

"Fine," she answered, forcing a smile. He paused, uncertain.

"Wanna come up?" he gestured faintly to the _Falcon_. "We uh…" He stopped, and swallowed. "I'd like it if you did. Haven't gotten to see much of you since..."

"Sorry, I erm…" Rey ducked her head and cleared her throat, then motioned to the base. "I have some things to organize. Inside." She lifted her head and forced another smile. "Maybe later."

"Kay," Finn nodded, his voice faint—and the hurt in his tone rippled through her. She pushed it away, turning back toward the pyramid and starting toward the door, lengthening and quickening her stride. She passed a few other people, who greeted her—she answered with brief nods, and passed into the relative darkness of the hangar.

The noise of starship maintenance buzzed and sparked all around her, and the din of voices all mixed in a dull roar. She maneuvered between several more ships, and found her way to a small side door which led to a low-ceilinged room, where several broken artoo units sat, awaiting their own repairs. She stopped in the middle of the room, shut her eyes, and took a deep breath.

Lightning crackled through the darkness of her mind. Someone else's life surged through her veins.

Her breathing shook. She squeezed her fists shut.

She opened her eyes.

The dead, silent faces of the droids greeted her. And quiet settled all around her.

"Okay, so—what's going on?"

She jumped and spun around.

Poe Dameron stood in the doorway, wiping his greasy hands off on a rag. He raised his eyebrows, and his black gaze cut into her.

"What do you mean?" she managed—but her voice trembled.

"You know what I mean," he answered, stepping into the room. "Why are you acting like this?"

"Acting like what?" Rey demanded, briefly lifting her hands. "I'm not—"

"Yes you are, something's the matter," Poe cut her off. "It's almost been a month since we won, and I know that isn't a long time to digest everything, but everybody else is at least _trying_ to process. You're not." He pointed at her. "You're hiding from everybody."

"I'm not _hiding—_" she protested.

"You're never here!" he objected. "We all have dinner together, or try to fix the place up, or just sit around a fire and talk about old times, but you're _never _there." He shook his head. "And Finn asks you to join us every time. _Every _time—I've seen him."

"I know," Rey bit out, her lip trembling, and she glanced away. "I just can't…"

"Can't what?"

"I can't bear it," Rey said in a rush, finally meeting his gaze. "The noise, the laughing. I can't. Not since…"

"Since Leia?"

Poe's voice was suddenly gentler. And Rey's defenses started to crack.

"Yes," she murmured, feeling cold. "That's a bit of it."

Poe's eyes narrowed as he considered her, and he stepped further inside the room.

"Rey," he said slowly. "What happened down there? In that hell-hole where you went to find Palpatine? You haven't said a word to anybody about it."

"That's because I don't know _how,_" she gasped, her breath hitching. "I can't…"

"Sure you can," he promised. "You just start from the beginning. Sit down." He gestured to a crate, then drew nearer and seated himself on a toppled gonk droid.

Rey just stood there. But Poe pointed to the crate again, so she sank down onto it, feeling strangely weak and ill. Nervously, she rubbed her hands up and down her thighs.

"I…I followed my instincts through a…well, it was a dark corridor, into a sort of…grand arena," she began, just above a whisper. "It was filled with what felt like dark spirits…spirits of the Sith lords. But they could have been real people—I don't know. The air smelled like poison. I found the throne—the throne I've seen in my visions. And I saw him. Palpatine. He was there—and he called me his grandchild. He told me that he had always wanted me to come there…to kill him…so that he could enter me…_possess _me…and turn me to the dark side." Rey closed her eyes, the memories rising real and vivid as life before her. "He opened a giant door in the ceiling…and I could see all of you…all my friends…in battle in the sky. Fighting. Burning. And dying." Rey clenched her fingers around the edge of the crate. "He told me that unless I did what he said, all of you would die. So I…I told him I would." She sucked in a deep, shuddering breath—but now the words just spilled out of her. Swift and tight. As if Poe wasn't even there. "I drew my lightsaber, I stepped up to kill him, and then—" She twitched, pain knifing through her. "I saw…I saw Ben Solo. He'd come—he'd come to help me. He wasn't here yet, he was somewhere inside, and he was in trouble—he was surrounded by the knights of Ren without a weapon. And he looked at me. He nodded to me—I knew what he wanted me to do. And so I…I let go of Master Skywalker's lightsaber, and he called it to his hand. He fought them, and killed them, and he came…he came to find me…I knew he would! I knew…" She leaned forward, panic almost overwhelming her. "The Emperor wanted to kill me, he tried to…and then Ben came. The Emperor told us we had a special power, together, something I didn't understand—he reached out his hands and…and he _pulled _life out of us!" Rey felt hot tears running down her cheeks. "He threw Ben backward, somewhere—I lost him, I couldn't see him. And I fell. And I knew that everyone up above me was going to die. He was going to kill them. I could feel it." Tears dripped from her chin. "But somehow…somehow…I called. I don't know how, or why I thought it would work this time, but I asked…and I heard…I heard them. Voices. Voices of Jedi who have been dead so long…and Master Skywalker. They told me to get up. I felt like I couldn't, like I was in a dream, but somehow…I did. I got up. Luke's lightsaber just came into my hand, and I…I took Leia's, too, and I…" She swallowed hard, twice. "The Emperor attacked me again. But this time…" She shook her head, the lightning buzzing against her skull. "It was easy. I felt…I felt more than strong enough. Like nothing could touch me. And he disintegrated in front of me like a statue made of sand." She sucked in a breath. "And all of a sudden, I couldn't feel my legs, or my hands. It was too hard to breathe. And I fell on the ground, and everything went black, and…" Her lip shook. "…and everywhere was a white, calm light. And silence. And then…" She twitched, as if a shock had run through her body. "I started breathing. I woke up. And Ben was there. Holding me. Looking at me. He'd…He'd healed me. I smiled at him. I said his name. And I kissed him. He kissed me back. And I saw him smile at me—but he was…he was sad. And he…" Rey wrapped her arms around herself. "He let go of me. He fell back, onto the floor." Her voice turned to a whisper. "And he died. He died."

She stopped. The buzz of a welder muttered in the distance. Silence echoed in her ears.

She opened her eyes.

Poe sat there, his elbows on his knees, gazing at her with knotted brow and vivid eyes. He said nothing.

Rey swallowed again, then reached up with a shaking hand and wiped the cold tears from her cheeks.

"I wish you'd said something earlier," Poe finally murmured, turning the rag over in his hands. "It always helps to get something like that off your chest. We may not understand a whole lot about the Force, but we've all gone through tough things. And we've lost people. It only makes it worse to bottle it up like that."

Rey bit her lip, and nodded briefly.

"Don't be afraid to talk. I mean, I'm always here." He offered a small smile.

"Thanks," she managed.

Poe sat still for a second, his head lowered—then, stood to his feet. He halfway turned from her, then paused.

"Do me a favor, though," he said, glancing down at her. "Don't tell the last part of that story to Finn."

"What?" Rey whispered, swiping her tears away again. "What do you mean?"

"How do you think he'd take it?" Poe raised his eyebrows.

"I don't understand," Rey said, something inside her chest starting to churn.

Poe considered her a moment, frowning.

"You really can't guess what it was he was going to say to you before he fell though the sand?"

Rey's lips parted, and the churning in her chest turned to pain. Poe sighed, and raked a hand through his hair.

"The boy's in love with you, Rey," Poe said quietly, earnestly. "And he has always, _always _been there for you. He's fought for you, he's protected you—jeeze, the guy never thinks anything of himself or his own life if you're in danger!" Poe threw out a hand. "He'd cross the whole galaxy—and he _has_—just to keep you safe. I know you've kept him at a distance for some reason—maybe _this_ is the reason, because you felt something for this Kylo Ren or Ben Solo or whatever you call him—but Finn has never given up on you because of it. And I'm sorry, like I said, there's a lot about the Force I don't understand—" he put his hands up. "But this guy, Kylo Ren, cost us Han Solo, Luke Skywalker, _almost _cost us Chewie, and…and he cost us Leia." Poe choked on her name, and Rey saw his eyes shine. "He literally broke her heart." Poe took a deep breath. "Are you going to let him do the same to you? And to Finn?"

"I don't know," Rey gasped. "I just don't know—I can't see into the future. I don't _know_ how to work this out. I don't know."

"I do."

Rey flinched as if someone had stuck a needle into her hand—she twisted to look past Poe—

Finn stood in the doorway. Half in silhouette, half caught in the dim light of the room. His eyes fixed on her.

"Finn—" she rasped.

"Finn, buddy—" Poe quickly held up a hand—

"No, Poe, it's fine. It's okay," Finn answered—and the hardness in his voice froze Rey's blood. "I heard the whole thing."

Rey went cold all the way down to her bones.

"I'm just glad I know the truth. Finally." Finn said quietly. He looked back at Rey for just an instant—those vibrant eyes brighter than ever. Then, he addressed Poe. "General Calrissian's about to leave on a new mission. Something personal, but he said it might be dangerous. He asked me to come. I said I wasn't going anywhere, but now I think I've…I've changed my mind." He stopped for a second, as if he was about to say something else, then muttered: "I'll see you around."

And without another word, he turned, and disappeared.

Rey shot to her feet.

And all at once, the dream fell away—and she was awake.

Disorientation reeled through her whole being. The universe tilted.

Finn?

Leave?

Leave where?

Leave her _here?_

Alone?

"Finn…!" she rasped—and suddenly, she was moving forward. "Finn…Finn…"

She kept mouthing his name, stumbling around the gonk droid Poe had been sitting on. She raced out into the hangar, her gaze darting back and forth, searching, searching…

She saw him. Outlined against the fading light of the hangar door. He passed from the darkness and out into the evening air. Making for Lando's ship at the far end.

Rey ran.

The churning in her heart swelled so it nearly broke her ribs—and suddenly, it burst out of her.

"Wait!" she cried. "Finn, wait!"

She pelted out onto the paving, and the jungle birdsong surrounded her. Finn stopped at the edge of the woods, near that same footpath, but he didn't turn around. Rey stumbled to a stop, still several feet away from him, breathing hard and trembling again.

"What do you want?" Finn asked, lowering his head but not turning around.

"Finn, I'm sorry," Rey panted, her eyebrows drawing together. "I'm sorry for the way I've been behaving. I'm sorry I haven't been talking to you—telling you what I've been feeling. I've been somewhere else for…for the longest time. Even when I've been with you, I've been somewhere else in my mind—distracted and…and focused on—"

"On him?" Finn interrupted, turning and pinning her with a dark look. "On Kylo Ren?"

Rey stopped, her mouth open, unable to speak. But Finn just waited.

Rey shrugged helplessly.

"Something like that," she whispered. "But also…also what my place is in all of this, and what to do with my power, which has absolutely _terrified me_—"

"You could have told me about that," Finn said, leaning toward her. "You could have let me in. I could have helped you."

Rey shook her head, pained.

"Finn, you wouldn't understand—"

"I wouldn't?" Finn cut her off. "Then how come I felt it when you died?"

Rey stopped. She stared at him.

"What?"

"That's right," he nodded fiercely. "I felt it. Here." He pressed a hand to his chest. "Like a knife through my heart. Like someone had just sucked all the air out of my lungs." His eyes filled with glittering tears, and they suddenly spilled down his cheeks. "And I would have had to live with that, _forever_, if not for Kylo Ren. So I guess I should be grateful to him. But somehow, I can't be. I _won't _be." He shook his head, and accusation entered his voice. "You wish he was still alive, don't you?"

Rey flinched—and her face flushed with heat.

"Right," Finn snapped. "But he's not. He died—he gave his _life _for you. And I'm not going to hang around and try to compete with that. I _can't_."

He turned away.

"No—" Rey yelped, reaching toward him. "It's not—it isn't _like_ that."

Finn suddenly looked at her—with a gaze like lightning. And he lunged toward her—his eyes burning into her.

"Then what is it, then?" he demanded. "You said you were sorry you haven't been talking to me—so _talk to me_. What the heck is this that's been going on between you two?"

"I don't know," Rey said helplessly, honestly, looking right back into his eyes. "That's why I can't explain it to you—it's some sort of…deep connection, in the Force; something we shared that frightened us both. I saw into him, and he saw into me, and we fought each other more out of…out of _terror _than hatred for each other." Rey took a deep breath, watching as more tears trailed down Finn's face. She kept going.

"But on Exegol, he rescued me, and he _finally_ did something that would have made Leia and Master Skywalker and Han Solo_ proud_—and I was so happy that we'd won, and that he'd come back to the light, and that I _wasn't _dead…"

Finn swallowed and glanced down.

"You fell in love with him," he murmured.

Rey lashed out and caught his hand.

"No," she said through her teeth.

Finn sucked in a breath, and his face twisted in pain. She pulled herself closer to him as he shifted, almost tugging away, but—as if in reflex—closing his fingers tight around hers.

"No, I did not fall in love with him," she said, fierce and quiet. "That's one of the reasons I've been so quiet and alone since we came here. I've been trying to decipher my feelings, and that isn't it. I was connected to him—I can't deny that. We shared a bond because of who we were together, in the Force. And I was glad he didn't die in darkness. I _am _glad." She tilted her head, fighting to see all of Finn's face. "But Finn…you're the first person ever, in all my life, to come searching for me for no other reason but that I…I mattered to you. You…" Her throat closed. She took an unsteady breath. "I can't imagine any of the future without you. I don't want to." Her voice lowered to a whisper. "Please don't go."

He didn't speak.

Rey's heart gave a terrified pang.

"What were you going to tell me?" she asked, searching his face, even as he squeezed his eyes shut. "What…What were you going to say to me before you fell through the sand?"

He let out an agonized sigh, finally blinked his eyes open and glanced at her—as if her gaze were an unbearable light. But she held him fast, and he slowly drew his eyes back to hers. He swallowed hard, his hands gripping hers—and his entire aspect softened.

"I wanted to tell you that I love you," he said, one tear trailing down his cheekbone. "I always have."

Heat burst through Rey's chest.

And she kissed him.

Fierce and strong and warm. Rey wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed him, feeling light wash through her mind like the sun breaking through storm clouds.

He moved.

He wrapped his strong arms around her, bound her against him, and held her tight.

He kissed her back.

And all at once, her entire being settled.

Warmth. Safety.

Peace.

She stopped shaking. She closed her eyes, and took deep breaths of him.

And Finn was right. Somehow, she had been blind to it before—but Finn had seen it. Finn had known it from the beginning.

The Force—living and bright—flowed and hummed between them. Between their beating hearts—like invisible bands of light binding them together.

Kissing Ben Solo had been like kissing a ghost. Sad, and fading away into loss and grief.

She and Finn kissed like the break of dawn. Alive and brilliant and good. He enveloped her in peace. Filled her blood with fire, and with hope.

And the knowledge that she was never, ever alone.

Just as he always had.

She broke the kiss, and buried her face in his collar, taking fistfuls of his shirt.

"I'm sorry, Finn. I'm so sorry. Don't go," she breathed, squeezing tighter. "Please. Don't go."

His barriers collapsed. He melted into her, pressing his face into her hair, caressing her fervently—just as he had when he'd found her on Starkiller Base, with waves of warm and desperate relief rolling off of him and through her heart…

Rey shut her eyes.

Time stopped.

She took a small breath…

"I love you."


End file.
